trying not to love you only goes so far
by psychrollins
Summary: "Seth, you know, the devil doesn't come dressed in red with a cape and pointy horns, he comes with everything you've ever wished for. And I cared, I care about you too much to keep pretending that I'm not the devil."


_A/N: I know, I know. I should be updating my fics. But thanks to some passive aggressive and pushy guest reviewers, taking a small break from the chaptered fics. They will be updated, though. In the mean time, here is an ambrollins piece that I wrote._ _ **Warning for panic attacks.**_ _As always, enjoy and please review and tell me what you think! They feed the soul. Find me at my tumblr: psychrollins._

/

The only ever real problem with dating Dean Ambrose is when you're not, because the guy is like a drug, like walking talking heroin. Something that once you've had a hit from, you're always going to want more.

Now that Dean is no longer his boyfriend, Seth Rollins is actually finding it very hard to function. Despite his roommate Antonio Cesaro telling him that he should get over that nut job and offering on more than one occasion to satisfy any needs Seth has, he can't get over his ex.

Maybe it would have been easier, if Dean had actually given him a reason as to why they were over. But all he'd told Seth was that they'd had a good run but they weren't working out anymore. Of course, Seth had tried to make him change his mind, but Dean had just kissed him really hard on the mouth and told him he'd see him around.

Which he hasn't really, only on the odd occasion. Dean's old daily routine of waiting outside of the clothing shop Seth works in for them to have lunch together and then being there again just before Seth's shift ended.

Seth misses a lot of things about Dean, the sex obviously, but also the way Dean would scrunch up his face at most of the contents in his fridge, how he would kiss Seth on the back of the neck when he thought Seth had fallen asleep. He misses how Dean would make fun of Cesaro and make faces behind the guys back making Seth hold back laughter that tended to cause him stomach pain.

It's silly really, because Roman Reigns, Dean's best friend, had told him that he shouldn't get too attached, because Dean would take off eventually, he always did. And at first Seth hadn't really listened to him, because he thought that Roman was just a little jealous. He and Dean are close, so it wouldn't be far out that Roman maybe wanted Dean for himself. But then Dean spontaneously breaking up with him - and for seemingly no reason - proved the man right, and it annoyed Seth to no end.

Why hadn't he listened? If he hadn't gotten so attached to Dean then he wouldn't be sitting here reminiscing like some old man. But he hadn't listened, and here he was, going through the accounts book with all the figures just blurring into one.

"Seth, you okay?" His co-worker Sasha's voice breaks him out of his mind and he flashes her a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She raises an eyebrow at him, folding her arms across her chest.

"The hell you are, you've been staring at that page for the last ten minutes, that is not okay to me, Seth."

Seth sighs, leaning back in his chair and rubbing a hand across his face. His eyes are sore and his back is aching a little from being hunched over, he can feel Sasha's eyes on him as he sits up straight and tries to concentrate on the financial work in front of him.

"Take your break, Seth. That can wait, Carmella just got here, we can cope for a without you for a while." She shoos him away with her hand, and after a moment's hesitation Seth stands and moves to give his friend a hug.

"Whatever is on your mind, if it's not gone by the time you get back, you can talk to me, alright? I want to help." Sasha squeezes his bicep, giving him a warm smile.

"Thanks, Sasha. I appreciate it." She lets him go and shuffles back into the shop, the sound of the bell chiming as she disappears. Seth lets out another sigh as he grabs his stuff. He seriously needs to do something to get Dean off his mind, if people can see that he's just not with it then, God help him.

He heads out into the early afternoon sun, letting the slight breeze blow a few stray hairs that have fallen from his bun away from his face. Seth grabs some lunch from his favourite sandwich shop that is only a couple doors down from the shop and heads to the park. Since Dean broke up with him, finding something to do on his lunch break had been hard. Normally he and Dean would grab whatever they fancied and either go to his or Dean's, or they would drive not too far out and have some peace and quiet; and maybe a quickie in the backseat if they had time (which they did, more often than not.)

But Seth doesn't have Dean to occupy him on his breaks anymore, so now Seth settles for sitting on a park bench, watching mothers, fathers and kids play games and have fun while he tries not to reminisce about what once was. He's only brought out of his stupor when he hears his name being called from a distance, Seth's head swivels in the direction of the voice and a smile breaks out onto his face when he sees the owner of it.

"How's it going Woods?" Xavier Woods, a guy Seth has known since college jogs towards him, sweat running down his face and his headphones placed around his neck.

"Damn Seth, I'm out of shape." His friend wheezes as he drops down onto the bench beside Seth, one hand clutching his ribs.

Seth laughs, "You, out of shape?" Xavier had always been into keeping shape, just like himself, and the words 'out of shape' were not in the man's vocabulary.

"I - Okay, so maybe I'm not out of shape, but I'm not in as good shape as I was in college." Laughing, Xavier pats his abdomen and shrugs as Seth shakes his head fondly at him.

"Hey," His friend gives him a gentle slap on the arm, "Why don't you come out tonight? The guys and I haven't seen you out in forever, we miss you bro." Seth scrunches up his face. He hasn't been out since before Dean broke up with him and being honest with himself, he hasn't wanted to. He's been perfectly content playing on his video games or going to Sasha's to help clean out her turtle tank.

"Ah, I dunno', not been really feeling like going out lately." Xavier rolls his eyes and sighs.

"Dude, you were like, the go-to-party guy in college, and now what do you do?"

"I do my own thing."

"Pft own thing, what's that, baking, knitting?"

"Fuck off, Woods."

"C'mon, just one night? Big E and Kofi are still such lightweights so it will be fun, I promise."

"I dunno, I have work tomorrow."

"Okay look, if you change your mind, give me a call, okay? Think about it. You need to enjoy yourself too, Rollins, later man." Xavier claps him on the shoulder before he's jogging away, leaving Seth to contemplate the man's offer.

He really hasn't been out in a while and maybe it is time to let his hair down and have a few drinks, but then again, why would he want to go out to a bar if he hasn't got Dean by his side glaring at any man that _dared_ look at him suggestively?

Seth finishes off his sandwich in silence before heading back to the shop and continuing his shift. His mind has cleared a little since his break, and it eases Sasha's mind enough to leave him alone and not question him anymore.

 **xXx**

When Seth steps into his apartment after work, the strong smell of aftershave hits his nose and almost makes him stumble backwards. He doesn't have to ask questions, because Cesaro, his roommate steps into view wearing a very smart suit. There's a big smile on the man's face as he stands in front of the mirror, adjusting his collar.

"Going somewhere fancy?"

Cesaro turns to him, fixing his cufflinks now, and grins.

"I'm taking Nattie out to dinner."

Seth raises an eyebrow, "Nattie Neidhart?"

"The one and only."

Seth whistles, he has to hand it to his friend, Nattie Neidhart is probably the hottest woman in the city, a high-end business lady who has been known for turning down just about every man who's ever asked her out.

"How did you get her to agree to that?"

Cesaro frowns slightly before it turns to a smirk, "Well, Seth, she actually imposed the idea on me." Cesaro gives him a lopsided smile before pocketing his phone, keys and wallet and heading out the door, his shouts of goodbye becoming muffled when the door closes behind him. Seth sighs, shaking his head and throws his bag into the corner of the room, ready to crash and play some Batman Arkham night and order in some Chinese.

He's got the phone in his hand, ready to call in his order and is just about to hit the speed dial button when he's suddenly laughing at himself and dropping the phone onto the counter. He's laughing at himself, at what he's doing and the fact that he has the fucking take away restaurant on speed dial because his life has become an endless game of not bothering to cook just for himself. What the hell is he doing? He's fucking twenty-five and he's spending his nights eating take-out and playing video games, despite having offers to go out and enjoy himself.

Instead of calling the take-out place, he calls Xavier.

"Yo' Seth, change your mind?" His friend instantly says when he picks up.

"Yeah, you guys still on?"

"Of course, we're going to Jimmy's; meet us there in an hour or so, yeah?"

"Sounds good, see you later."

"Party time Rollins, party time!"

 **xXx**

Standing at the bar and watching Big E and Kofi trying to out-drink each other is entertaining, Seth will admit that. But in his chest, Seth can feel an emptiness that never used to be there before. He finds himself missing a warm body pressed against his side, whispering things into his ear while an arm is wrapped around his waist and there's fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

All he's got at the moment is a slightly intoxicated Xavier knocking into him every so often because he's laughing at the two idiots knocking back shot after shot.

"Yo' Seth," Kofi slurs, holding his bottle of beer in one hand and another shot in the other and vaguely swaying them around in the air. "That guy ova' there hasn't stopped lookin' at you f'like, ages." Kofi knocks back the shot and a grimace takes over his face. Seth raises an eyebrow and tries to look in the direction of where Kofi had been (sort of) pointing. He locks eyes with a tall, dark haired man before quickly looking away.

"Oh nice Seth, he's hot." Xavier, the soberest of his three friends says.

"It's whatever; I'm not looking to get laid."

"What? C'mon Seth, live a little. When was the last time you had sex?"

"Jesus Woods that's a bit of a personal question don't ya' think?"

"Whatever Rollins, I bet you haven't had sex since Dean, right?" Xavier's voice is softer this time and Seth can hear the sympathy laced in it and it makes him cringe because he's right.

"Regardless, I'm not interested."

"Well, look alive because he's on his way over." Seth glances back to see the man sauntering over to him, hands tucked into his pockets as he makes his way past various groups of people. He bites back a groan, not exactly thrilled that he's going to have company other than his three things. He tries to smile, because hey, a cute guy is obviously interested in him? However, it doesn't make him as happy as it should.

The man introduces himself, though Seth doesn't care enough to remember his name, and buys Seth a drink, which Seth accepts because Xavier, Kofi and Big E have scampered, most likely to try and give him more of a chance of getting some when really, Seth wanted to use them to get out of being wooed. The man is okay, in all honestly, he's kind of funny and is very complimentary, but he's handsy and it's starting to get uncomfortable. He keeps putting his hand on the small of Seth's back, slowly sliding down dangerously close to Seth's ass until Seth manages to shake him off before he gets there.

"Wanna' get out of here?" He's murmuring close to Seth's ear and it suddenly makes his stomach clench up in unease. He doesn't want to go anywhere with this man, he's quite happy here smiling and pretending to be interested.

"Uh, I'll have to take a rain check, have to look after my friends seeing as I'm the most sober." It isn't exactly a lie, because Big E and Kofi were pretty smashed the last time he saw them, but he hasn't seen them since they'd skipped out on him when this douche came over. He wouldn't put it passed them that they've already left.

"C'mon, pretty boy. I saw your friends, they're big guys they'll handle themselves." He puts his hand on Seth's wrist, fingers wrapping around him easily, fingertips pressing into skin.

"No really, they're terrible drunks and I'd feel awful if I left and something happened to them." Suddenly, the guy's eyes harden considerably, narrowing in on him like he's a fighter jet ready to launch his missiles and is locked on a target. His fingers tighten, pressing hard into his wrist.

"Listen babe, I didn't come over here and buy you a drink just to have you skip out on me in the end. So either you're coming home with me or it's a trip to the bathroom." Seth tries to pull his hand away, but it's trapped in this guy's death grip and his heart hammers in his chest as he's yanked closer, chest pressing against him.

"Make your decision babe, I ain't got all night." Seth's a heartbeat away from screaming for a help or kicking this guy in the balls, but a gruff voice laced with anger beats him too it.

"I believe his decision was no." Seth knows that voice, he could never forget it, never mistake it. It's Dean and it makes his heart that was already beating wildly in his chest rise into his throat. He doesn't have to turn around to see him, Dean is stepping beside him looking like a caged animal.

"And who the fuck are you?"

Dean takes a step forward, squaring up to the asshole even though he's a good foot and a bit shorter than him. He pries Seth's arm out of the grip of the other and as blunt nails scrape across his skin he tries not to hiss at the pain.

He stands rooted to the spot, frozen in confusion as Dean lets out his infamous psychotic sounding laugh and pokes the jerk in the chest.

"I'm the boyfriend now back the fuck up and don't you ever put your hands on him again." There's a moment of silence - in which Seth's palms start going sweaty and he can feel himself going light headed, breath coming in quick, short pants - before jerk face's brain registers Dean's threat and stepping back, walking away with his metaphorical tail between his legs.

It's all a little blurry from then on, because nothing seems to register in Seth's head and he's finding it hard to breathe. He can feel Dean's hands on him, on his wrists and then on his face before they're finally curling into his own and tugging him away from the bar.

He's vaguely aware that he's stumbling through a crowd, a warmth in his palm before that warmth goes around his waist and there's an echo in his ears, repeating over and over and he's trying to breathe to it, because there's too much air going in and not enough coming out and it's making his chest hurt.

"Breathe, babe, in and out c'mon, in, and out." He breathes to the words, and slowly he feels the world come back into focus, the hands on his shoulders becoming heavier.

Seth becomes aware that he's outside, and that Dean, his ex-boyfriend is standing in front of him with his hands on his shoulders and a soft, worried look on his face.

"Hey, you with me?" Dean's voice is soft and full of something that Seth doesn't want to think about. Seth swallows and nods slightly, allowing a few shaky, recovery breaths to pass through his lips. Dean gently pushes him down until he's sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. Dean is still in front of him, sitting on his hunches and it's crazy how quickly his body begins to calm down, to ease itself when he's in Dean's presence. It only reminds him of all the times Dean's had to do that for him before they broke up.

He tries not to let the weight of the situation wash over him, because God knows how things would have played out if Dean hadn't have shown up. Would he have shouted for Xavier and the guys? Would he have smacked him? He doesn't know, but he knows that he's half glad that Dean was there. Only half, because now he's not sure what to do. How he's going to deal with the fall out because Dean, his ex that he's still got feelings for just witnessed him having a panic attack and he knows him well enough to know that Dean won't let this go.

They've been sitting in silence for a good while, all the while Dean's had his hand on Seth's knee to help him come down from his attack and now Seth's feeling tired, drained of energy and he just wants to go home and curl up in his bed and try to forget about the events of the night.

"Thanks for everything," Seth mumbles trying to push himself from the ground but his legs are still shaky and he stumbles a little. Dean manages to steady him, hands snaking around his waist to keep him from falling over.

"Woah, woah, easy. Where d'ya think you're going?"

"Wanna' go home, m'tired." His speech is a little slurred, mostly from lack of energy rather than alcohol.

"You think I'm just going to let you go home like that?" Dean lets out a sigh, "C'mon Seth, I'm better than that." Dean tugs him away from the wall and they slowly start walking away from the bar. The night air is cool and it helps clears Seth's head. "You're going to come home with me, okay? So I can keep an eye on ya', make sure ya' all right." Seth begins to protest because he doesn't want to do this, being close to Dean like this when there's meant to be nothing between them hurts, but Dean's hands are anchoring him and he doesn't have the energy to fight him.

Seth lets himself be lead towards Dean's apartment, a path he's travelled many times. It's never been like this, though. Never been with Seth having just experienced a panic attack or them being silent because they're not sure where they stand with each other.

However, Dean keeps his hand secured around Seth's waist the whole way there. It's comforting more than it is anything else, because even though he's not sure what the hell is happening right now - he's going back to Dean's apartment for God's sake - he knows that no matter whether they're a couple or broken up, Dean will always look after him.

It doesn't take very long for them to get to the familiar building, and Seth feels a sense of nostalgia wash over him as Dean leads him up the steps and fishes his keys out of his pocket with his free hand.

Seth remembers stumbling into this apartment while they were both more than mildly intoxicated and having a hard time not ripping each others clothes off on the doorstep. It makes his cheeks flush at the memory and he's glad that it's dark out and Dean is too busy trying to unlock the door to notice.

More memories flood him as they make it inside, it's exactly the same as it was since he was last in it a couple of months ago - though he's not sure why he expected it to be any different, this is Dean, for crying out loud - and all he can think about is how Dean used to make breakfast nearly naked most mornings.

"I'm gonna' sit you on the couch and get you some water, okay?" Dean leads him over to the couch, still treating him like he's a piece of china that's been broken and he's holding all the pieces together. When he sits down, Dean crouches down in front of him for a moment, a hand goes to Seth's face and fingers softly stroke across his beard for a second before Dean's pushing himself off the floor and heading out into the kitchen.

Being back in the apartment creates a weird feeling to run through him. The last time he'd been here was the day before Dean had broken up with him. It's a bittersweet memory, seeing as they'd had great sex that day, but in hindsight, Seth knows that Dean fucked him well because he probably knew it was going to be the last time. He doesn't like to think about that, it only makes everything hurt that little bit more.

"Here you go," Dean passes him a glass of water and then holds out a packet of Advil to him, "In case you get a headache."

"Thanks." Seth manages to say, taking the pack from Dean and trying to give him a thankful smile. Dean crouches down in front of him again, this time sitting down and crossing his legs.

"Gonna' tell me why you were out all on your own?" Dean says in a quiet voice, concern painted all over his face like fluorescent paint.

"Wasn't alone, was with Xavier, Kofi and Big E. They ran off to give me more of a chance of getting laid." The words feel funny coming out of his mouth, because the only time he's ever spoken to Dean about getting laid has been when they talked about when Dean first tried to get him into bed.

"Okay well remind me to punch them in the face for leaving you alone with that asshole."

"They weren't to know, Dean."

"Don't care, he could have hurt you."

"You hurt me." The words slip out of his mouth without him being able to stop them and he instantly regrets bringing up the elephant in the room. He watches as Dean's face falls and he takes a deep breath, hand coming up to scratch as the stubble across his chin. Seth remembers loving the way that felt against his neck as Dean kissed across his collarbones.

After a long pause, Dean finally sighs. "I know, and I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

Seth shakes his head, looking down at the untouched water in his hands. "Why did you break up with me?" Saying the words make his chest feel funny, and he's still tired as anything from earlier on but he needs to know. He's here, and this is his chance to find out the truth.

"I told you Seth, we weren't working out."

Seth snorts, "Bullshit, Dean. Now tell me the real reason. Was it something I did, was there somebody else?" For a long moment, Dean is quiet, blinking slowly and staring straight at Seth. Seth adds, "Roman warned me, you know." Dean raises an eyebrow, somewhat confused.

"He told me not to get too attached," Seth says quietly, not looking at Dean, "Because in the end you'd only end up walking away. I didn't listen to him though, I thought he was jealous." He places his water on the coffee table, "I guess he was right, though." Seth moves to stand up, his legs aren't as shaky anymore and he's decided that he doesn't want to do this anymore, it's not getting him anywhere other than heartache central.

"Seth, wait, sit down." Dean stands up quickly, catching Seth's fingers between his own and tugging him back down. This time he sits next to him on the couch, his hand reaching out and tucking a strand of stray hair behind Seth's ear.

"You want the truth?" Seth nods, instinctively leaning into Dean's hand.

"There wasn't anyone else Seth and it wasn't anything that you did. I felt like I was dragging you down, like I was preventing you from finding that prince charming." Seth can hardly believe his ears and it takes him a second to catch on.

"What? Are you kidding me?" The look on Dean's face tells Seth that he's serious and it almost makes him want to laugh, if he had the energy too.

"Dean, I," Seth takes in a deep breath, "You were, are, my prince charming."

Dean starts to shake his head, smiling sadly, "I'm no prince charming, Seth."

"To me you are."

Dean cups his cheek with his hand, thumb stroking just underneath Seth's eye.

"Seth, you know, the devil doesn't come dressed in red with a cape and pointy horns; he comes with everything you've ever wished for. And I cared; I care about you too much to keep pretending that I'm not the devil." Dean's hand stills, fingers tangling in Seth's hair and his voice dropping to a whisper.

"You don't get to decide whose good enough for me." Seth says sternly, turning more towards Dean. "If I decide you're good enough for me then you're good enough, it's not up to you." Seth breathes a kiss to Dean's palm, which is resting on the side of his face.

"You were good enough. You are good enough." He breathes another kiss to his palm and relishing in the feel of Dean's calloused palms against his lips.

Silence is followed by Dean sighing, though there's a small smile on his face.

"Why does someone like you, so soft and pretty and nice, like someone like me, a rough and ready on-off mechanic? I don't get it Seth."

"You don't have to get it; you just have to believe it. No questions and no breaking my heart because you think you're doing me a favour."

"I did what I thought was best."

"This was a dumb thing to do."

Dean cracks a smile and laughs, "I've missed you."

Seth kisses Dean's wrist this time and shifts closer to him, tucking his head against Dean's shoulder. As if they weren't ever apart, Dean's hand threads through his hair and smoothes it out.

"I've missed you too."

"How are you feeling?" Dean mumbles into the top of Seth's hair, breathing a few kisses there.

"Better now." Seth sighs, shifting and getting even closer to Dean, if that were possible. "Thanks for stopping that guy tonight." He says after.

Dean's fingers hook underneath his chin and lift his head up to get him to look at him.

"I got you, okay? I've always got you." Dean kisses him on the forehead and holds him close. And maybe it's not some dramatic confession of love but Seth knows it means just as much and for tonight, it's enough.


End file.
